You no longer see the other side And you don’t know where you go The strangest blue Dropped from your window Notes like birds disappearing down the avenues White and pressed and screaming censored- while there is no sanity She leaves it up to you and me Why does it always end up in the bottles lost to islands far away and out of reach?
Snowflakes bite like little bitches on the ends of every nerve My mother says she’ll still remember but I cannot feel the same way There is no way where you are, hiding and holding onto shards and nails Finding more than ten ways to show you who you really are
The girl in white who lays by my side When the world is going blank And my head is lost, it’s over. (Somewhere in that soft, there was something I’ll remember No more than wild flowers growing overgrown and long.)
How she called my name and I never knew the words Wrap yourself in history to break numbness with each new age I’ve never left you, still you leave me feeling Like the best things were your fault and I never was Worth that much
Play with me in springtime where the berries bloom We’ll talk about the boys we used to bruise Don’t tell me that all those mistakes are true The ones you never bothered Sister, selfish things for only you
Sister break the circle Sister break the ring She’s left the nicest moments Let them rot like the blood that you’ve spent in bed with the toys and the dead heart eyes She’s on the other side She’s gone. One of them. She’s one of them now. It’s not better.
Sad with nothing to be sad about. Tired. Felt like writing something...
I had a really bad dream that woke me straight up in bed a few hours after the bridal shower. Worst dream I've ever had. I think these days I feel the whole spectrum of my emotions--and 24 hours is not enough time to filter it all. I need a vacation really badly. I want to get away from Buffalo for a while. This place makes me sad lately. I don't think he's going to like his birthday gift. Oh well. I don't feel like returning it, I wanted it to be special but I don't know if it'll feel special. I feel like runny butter. It's funny in the jaws when you get a close-up of the teeth, but you've got to twist away or you'll get crushed...why do we look when we're in danger? Why don't we just act? Mesmerized by death. I feel like it never leaves.
I don't try to be dramatic. This is how I normally am. I'm finding I feel critical about parts of my personality lately. Things in the past, and things present. Sometimes I'm not sure who I'm becoming. I was going good for a while, now I'm kind of mush. It's not a good feeling. I've never really been mush before. I don't want to feel this way...
A few minutes ago, I held a dying bird. She was a little crow who'd been hit by a silver SUV seconds from my house. I was slowing down getting ready to turn and park when I saw it happen. It was laying in the road and wasn't moving after it was hit but I knew it was still alive by the way it was hit. So I got out of my car and ran down to it and saw that she was still moving. After picking her up and putting her on the grass near the sidewalk I realized her legs were messed up. Everything else looked fine, so I thought about calling the people to take care of animals when she started walking/flying on the sidewalk awkwardly and I realized her one wing wasn't working either. I got really scared because she flipped herself over and her head was up against the sidewalk and she started to cry. I think when she was in the road she was waiting to get hit again...I couldn't let that happen. I didn't want her to feel something that violent. I tried putting her back on her side/feet and then decided against it and thought I'd carry her all the way to my house (which wasn't far) and put her on my grass while I called...but she fell...she wanted to fly away. And I picked her up again getting worried that the fall did something to her since she had nothing to protect her against the fall...so fragile. Then she fell again and I knew she wasn't going to make it--it reminded me of when my rat died when she was going through the death spasms and would spasm out of my hands and I didn't know what to do--it was so sudden she would just be lying there trying to breathe and then spasm really violently and fall out of my hands...I lay the little crow down on the grass remembering Netherby. I knew when Netherby was going through the spasms the second she was having them that she was going to die even though I'd never seen an animal die before...and I knew after that last fall that the crow wasn't going to make it. She cried maybe twice more (they were never that scared of cries though...just kind of anxious and sad and there weren't many it was like she knew what was coming?) and I watched her and talked to her and petted her hoping she'd be ok (I don't know why I knew she was almost dead). Then when I felt there was no more movement and saw there was no more movement and looked in her eyes, I knew. I left her there, so the others could be with her. (There were a ton of them when the SUV came, and they tried to all get out of the way before it came...). I hope they don't eat her. But at least she died while I was there, and more peaceful than getting torn to shreds by cars going to work. God, I hope this isn't a bad omen. Holding or watching (since I did both) a dead crow. I just wanted to help her. I hope she's in heaven, or wherever good crows go.
Flyleaf= Three parts Avril (for the mainstream), One part Auf Der Maur (for the smart listener), and one part mindless basic guitar and drums that bleed into every damn song on the radio these days (the nice candy-coating to keep everything painted the same color....BUY RED BUY RED BUY RED RED RED). Every song sounds the same.
Finally cut my baby's hair today (after letting it go for a year and a half)! And although I haven't practiced since, seems like the best one I've ever done- since I'm not professional or anything. I just like being creative. And it looks good! Stay away girls!!!
Also, going to try practicing the piano tracks for the cd and begin digging deep into forming the artwork for the album. Already have the thumbnails...now it's time to get dirty. Yikes. The sky is falling. And I have a see-through umbrella. The rain is pretty but not the heavens.
So...most of the invitations to the wedding have been sent out. I hate when people from work try to budge their way into my life and say "oh when am I getting mine" and such. No no no, you're not my friend. I don't need some loud drunk co-worker making her way around the reception scaring the living daylights out of my old relatives...because let's face it, most of them are. But despite that fact, we're having ROCK music for the background. No dancing, no chicken dance, no hookey-pookey macarena embarrassing 'funny' shit. This is our wedding, and we want the music to be meaningful...besides we're musicians. Would you expect any less?
Other than that I'm starting the big P, on Mother's Day no less. Ha, how ironic. Anyways let's hope I actually get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight and eat more than one meal a day. That would be good. My throat gets dry when I'm nervous.
Planning stuff for my Baby's birthday and he's going to be so surprised! I hope in a good way. Well, he deserves it, he works hard. I'm going to miss him a lot this weekend, because things are going to be busy. I hope the Sabres win. And that it actually does rain a bit. Because it feels nice in a sad kind of way. It clears things out. And makes things grow. Fireworks maybe this year?
A lot of little things left to take care of, and then please total relaxation.
i keep calling your dad's house but you don't get back to me. and your cell must have changed because it's some rap thing that never ends. i've left messages. uhhh don't know what's going on. please call! we need to hang out again before you go into the army.
As soon as July 29th comes around this hair is getting chopped! And dyed a nice red colour. One thing is starting to make me a little nervous...the more noticed we get, the more people will realize who we are and so on. What happens to famous/somewhat known people have 'friends' from the past come around because of it? What if they try to connect again? I'm not too excited about THAT. How come mine always drop off the face of the fucking earth but everyone else's stick around...like soapscum or lint?
Ghosts. If you pretend they're not there, even if they existed at one point in time, can come back to haunt you. We can all see them. But you pretend they're invisible. Give me an explaination for this, you're good at that. Explaining things that don't make sense. When did you buy my heart with your glittering knowing hoping smile? God, the things I do for you. Look me in the eye and tell me what you see. I can do nothing more than hope words will tumble from the depth to paint my lover's strange shadow. I see you and without what trails behind I'm left with what I know and what I feel. You can't pretend you're a ghost too. Soft distance like broken notes from strings and hammers. More words clipped to bandage previous slights. I recommend several days of patience, mutual lust, and promises. Still the silence, the things you've been made to forget for us. Will it kill what people die for? No degree of disconnection except this....unnamed shade lurking and waiting. The more I wait, the more I hurt waiting for an end to this purgatory. Love. Yes, I trust you. Now, tell me.
Feel like I never get to see him. Either working nights is making this harder, or the business is starting to take on more of a toll than I can handle...it gets busier at his place every year. I hate sounding like I'm not happy, because I am...I'm just something else too.